Deprestressed

Yes, I made up a new word. Deprestressed.


People keep on asking me if I'm stressed out and honestly I don't feel like I am when they ask. I don't think I can determine whether I'm stressed out or not anymore these days. I think I'm not but me being tired almost every day after work makes me think I am. Maybe it's me having to wake up early thus I feel tired. Or maybe it's me having to commute to get home. Or maybe it's the extended office hours-but I'm not really complaining, if anything I think I need the extra hours just so I can finish on time. I think people think I'm fooling myself when I say I'm not stressed or maybe what they think is right. 


I hate doing a bad job but I really can't help it. Maybe I'm not fit to be a developer because I overlook the most important things. I mean I have an output that works but it's not well designed. I mean I thought about designing the thing the right way but I didn't do that because of the constraints. Later on, the constraints were discarded but then I already started with coding the kind of brute force way so I didn't change the code. I didn't even realize I could change the code, maybe I thought about it but because everything was all setup, I didn't want to ruin that. It's laziness, maybe it's me wanting to finish ahead of time just in case my leader wants to have things changed. Anyhow, I really just wanted to finish earlier on time, finish with great output and just redeem myself for all the times my leader had to call me and show me there was a problem with my output. Those dreaded words "Audrey halika dito may papakita lang ako sa'yo" that just means there's an improvement that should be made. 


I'm really down in the dumps about my last task because this time I had more chance to not fail and produce a great output just because the language I was going to use is Java. I thought that this time around I will finish my task earlier, and maybe *hoping* there are only minor if not no more modifications or improvements to be made. But then, false hope as it had turn out. I can't get anything right, I just feel that way. I really am trying. I don't even take breaks sometimes anymore just so I can finish and I have been staying later to just work on what I have at hand. I guess I need to persevere more. I just want to prove myself and just get better each time. I'm just very disappointed at myself.