We're marchin' on

It's yet the start of the month, goodbye February, hello March!


I can't believe how time flies by so fast! I mean I know that Feb only has like 28 days plus one if it's leap year, but it really does feel like a day has just passed and we're on to a new month! Maybe I feel this way because I was so unproductive last month! In all aspects of my life I don't feel like any progress was made, really! All the things I have done are not enough and there seems to be a lot more to do; there isn't a slightest hint of progress and moving forward seems so hard. Maybe it's me not being able to catch up with what's going on, or maybe I choose not to keep up because it's a reminder of how my life isn't moving anywhere. 


I hate the feeling of not knowing what to do next. I'm the kind of person who does not plan ahead, maybe once in a while I do but I only do when there's a major event or something big is gonna happen. I hate the feeling because despite the fact I can do anything I want, I can't. In the bigger picture I can't just lay around, do the things I like and not worry and plan about the future. I can't help but feel like I'm wasting away as the days pass by and I can't do anything about it. I want to do a lot of things in life, a lot of things that will secure my future and make me happy as well but it's always the lack of drive, motivation and inspiration in my life that I hinders me from moving forward. Everyday I wake up it feels as if I go back one step instead of moving a step forward. 


Sometimes I wonder if we're so unlucky to live in just a linear way. Are there no other steps than forward and backward? And if in case there's a right and left, is that just a temporary stop in moving forward? Being stuck in a particular point in time? Is it only in time we get stuck? Does moving left or right make you go off path? Or maybe when we step left or right we take a new path? And what about stepping diagonally? Maybe we live in a huge space, plotted in points like that of a graph, where everywhere you turn there's another point and in that point we can go to many other points and a point so tiny we don't realize we've moved on to another point. No backwards, no forward, no right or left or any other direction, just a huge space made out of points. Or maybe we make that space larger, it starts out as a point, and it expands as we take steps, make decisions and that space is our life. But what about the lives of others? In this theoretical space called life is it possible that points from other spaces collide with the points in our very own space? Is that what we call humanity? The inability of human entities living alone in their very own space, with no one in their life?


Sometimes I wish it were just a huge space we are creating, it doesn't determine how we move backwards but the downside is that at the same time it cannot determine that we have moved forward. This just goes to show how I don't want to face reality. Reality is that we can deny that we have been towards a path of spiraling backwardness but that's the thing, it's denial. Denial, the act of not accepting what is there. Though we can deny all we want, we can never change the fact that we're there, in the point of moving backwards instead of moving forward. We can do something about that and yet we don't do anything. Most of us anyway, I admire those who can bravely admit where they are now in their lives and actually have the guts to want to change, and with that desire they act. Fact of the matter is I can move forward but I don't do anything to make it so. I keep on drowning myself in the lack of productiveness that it becomes a habit. What's crazier is thinking about how backwards and forwards doesn't exist. Crazier to think that maybe if they do exist we just couldn't determine what is backward and what is forward. It's a whole pile of complicated! 


Sometimes I feel like I need to dig deeper. Sometimes I just want to ponder on things and think and think until I feel tired and just go back to how I thought before. But somehow I can never bring myself to think like how I did after thinking about a lot of things. Realizations can be a bitch. :)) 


I also like to burst open with emotions, creativity and just randomness from time to time, especially when I feel that I lack zest in life, that passion and drive that makes human beings want to get a move on with their lives and make something memorable and meaningful out of their existence. I don't really know how to deal with this burst of whatever it is, sometimes I just think of a lot of things I can do as an outlet for my restlessness in being unproductive like paint, shout, create colorful images in my mind (sometimes I wish I can be plugged into a printer and just print what I think, it's easier to produce in the mind than with hands), draw, think (about cultures, art, places, travel, and more - tumblr can be a good supplement to this thinking), and it goes on and on but I never really do them in real life. (This is justifies how lazy I can be).