Half days, coffee, late night watching

Basically, this week was full of half days, coffee and late night watching of drama series and sorts.


Oh I forgot reckless abandon, ignorance and bad mood galore. I'm so not cut out for my work now, maybe it's the extra pressure of time constraint, or the pressures of multitasking, but my performance is most definitely at an all time low.


I keep on waking up late, so in turn I come in late for work. Friday was the only day I was on time and it was literally a last minute punching of time in. I get so embarrassed because our clients see me 30-40 minutes late and that's coming in in the afternoon. Traffic is a b*tch. I had to stay in late twice this week because a) I was assigned b) I stayed for an office mate of mine who barely just got into our project, and she's all left out by her lonesome. I couldn't leave her alone fretting when things go wrong. I couldn't even imagine if I were left behind like that with the batch and everything. I was thankful for her in the end for offering to ride a taxi with me to drop me home first, it was pretty late at night and I have wait for my dad if I had someone pick me up too and of course I would be yet again bothering my dad just to pick me up from work.


I hate disappointing people, I hate not being able to deliver well or not being able to deliver at all. I hate being so dependent of others to move on with what I have to do, but everything just seems so messed up that I need some clarity from time to time. I just hate it when people have to tell me step by step what to do, but I have no other choice because my brain is not responding well to all the things I have to do. Something I just feel so tired of everything that I want to drop everything and just leave.


I have a list of tasks I jot down on sticky notes and it never seems to clear up. I miss going home on time, I miss being able to do things when I get home, I miss having a life basically. Yes, it might not be the most exciting life you've ever heard someone live but maybe it's one of those simple things that make life a bit more interesting and acceptable.  


You tend to appreciate even the simplest of things once their gone. Maybe it's one advantage being in my situation right now. I never really appreciated much of anything and I never seem to be content with most things. I just feel so alive when I can go home early, and I'm happy that even though it's 'mababaw' that I can go home early, at least I haven't forgotten to smile once in a while and learn to stop and appreciate even the shallowest of things. 


It's sad that my entries are all work related stress. That's the only thing left in my life that has great impact. Great negative impact that is. Looking on the brighter side of things I get to appreciate things more. Things that I don't really appreciate as much back when I still had a life. Talking about appreciation of simplicity and life in general, I thought about a line from the movie 'Troy' and I actually wanted to blog about it when I had the time.


"The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."


I had a bit of a hard time looking for that direct quotation but the wonders of the internet never ceases to disappoint. I love how this statement inspires people to live, and not just go on with their normal routine, but live like there's no tomorrow. 


"Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed." that's my favorite. 


I never really thought of our doom to bring anything good and advantageous to us. Yes, doom brings us to ultimately our end, well as what we at least know of and believe now. It might not be the end for us but it's the end of our physicality and our being in this world. But I never really thought of it as anything other than our 'end'. I never thought about its beauty in a sense that, even though most of us fear it, we don't give up just yet. It makes us want to strive to live our lives to the best of our abilities, to strive to achieve something in this world that will make us memorable. To leave our mark and it doesn't necessarily have to be acknowledged world wide but merely touching the lives others and imprinting the memory of you in others in a positive light are more than enough to say that we have left our marks in this world.


Funny, how we associate things with good and bad, even words and what they mean. It's even funnier how we close things off and not acknowledge the possibilities of things being more than what we see them to be now. Like the words 'doom' and 'end', who would've thought that these words, marking the stop of something, could inspire more than what they mean to us. Well, that's my two cents at least.