3rd Degree Burns

Okay, I keep on ranting but that's what a blog is partly made of right? And by partly I mean a whole big part.

So the word 'STRESSED' doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling right now. It's a mixture of a whole lot of negative energies and here I am sitting down, facing the PC, waiting, just waiting to implode.

Can I just say, this is why I don't want others to do the job. Not because they are incapable but because sometimes, you just need to do it yourself for it to work. It is just so hard to relay instructions to others and not being able to know and see what's going on. I've actually been called out for this trait of mine, I think it's my trust issues. Well, I think it has something to do with the fact that I want things to go my way, but others' way are fine too as long as they know what they're doing!

Frustration
Frustrated. I'm feeling so frustrated. I feel like I'm helpless or something, what's ironic is, is that I am the one who can be of help to others but I'm feeling helpless here. I'm feeling frustrated for all the stupid things that I wasn't able to check properly. How stupid was I to believe that my program wouldn't end up winning the buggiest batch program of all? Was it the fact that there were people to test my program? But seriously WHY did I ever THINK that it would help? Obviously nothing was well tested, it was a miracle how it passed in testing. A MIRACLE, meaning it was never really tested in the beginning. Because I have this feeling deep down in my gut that they were not able to absorb everything there is to printing the bills.

Uneasiness
Being the control freak that I am, I constantly feel the need to know what's going on. It pains me that I can't do anything about ANYTHING. JUST WAIT. Patience is not really in my vocabulary. I hate not being able to handle the situation as quickly as possible.

Clumsiness 
How clumsy could one get? If I desperately need something to work flawlessly, count on my clumsiness to destroy all my precious, precious dreams. Why do I even work myself up whenever something wrong happens, can't I accept the known fact that all my work will result to utter failure?

Depression
YES, depression. HOW NERDY could this get? I never knew I'd one day feel depressed about my work. But it's only inevitable, after all my work is a reflection of me. How shameful. Sometimes I wanna crawl inside a shell and just live the rest of my days rotting there until such time I can come to terms with the fact that I am a failure, first and forever. (how motivating, I know!) It's not enough that I, myself, acknowledge the fact but others acknowledge this as well. I don't want to become someone who's a failure because I don't want to disappoint people. I hate that feeling of not being able to do my job well, I don't want to put others in a bad situation just because I screwed up. But somehow even my paranoid self cannot handle my clumsiness, not enough at least to make things run smoother. Errors here and there would do but NOOOO, it's always the case that everyday is a new error day. HOOORAY. 

To end this entry with an even more bitter note, sometimes I really feel that the only way to rise above this is to let go. GIVE UP. Give it up, when are you going to realize that everything will not work out?

ANNDDD to quote "huhus of life". Bow.